to any momma

Today is a celebration. a mother holds her child. raising it to the best. pouring tears, time, devotion, passion into her flesh and blood. 

expectant mamas hold their belly with joy and delight at what the future holds. grandmothers look at the generations and smile at a close knit family. families don’t thrive without a Mother’s tender care. 

I’ve been deeply pondering this day as it has been getting closer. Trying not to think of the despair and hopelessness I feel. 

This isn’t just a day for those with babies and grown babies in their arms. 

This is a day when some mama visit their child’s grave and weep bitter tears of loss. This is a day when some mama mourns for a child who has strayed away from their family. This is a day when some mama hugs children who aren’t their own flesh but would spill their blood for. This is a day when some mama who never bore their own are comforted by the ones who they mentor and pour time into. This is a day when some mama clings to their husband as they face the upcoming death of their child. This is a day when some mama sits alone because they lost their rights over their own babies. This is a day when some mama holds their step children close. 

I’ve deeply pondered what it is to be a mama. It’s been my deepest and greatest desire since 3 years of age. Growing up, I knew I had two mothers. One who bore me and one who raised me. The one who bore me hasn’t been there for my first tooth being lost, the scraped knees, the musical talents and many concerts, awkward gangly long limbed pre pubescent years, the gentle transition into young adult. She wasn’t able to meet my only boyfriend and have joy when he became my fiancé. She will never meet her granddaughter and see the family traits that have been passed down from her through me to this baby. I haven't seen her in 17 years. 

This has always been a great sorrow to me ...                                                          

                                                                                   but

even though I was a result of an affair, even though I was the victim of abuse and neglect, even though my mother was an addict,  I still know she loved me deep down somewhere because she chose to give me a fighting chance at life. She kept me until the day she no longer had rights. And I respect her and appreciate that she gave me a chance at a life I didn't think I would have. 

I have lived with my (adopted) family since the age of 3. I see them as flesh and blood. There is no separating me from them. I've watched my mama nurture me as she was also able to welcome her firstborn son who God made her wait 7 years for. I've had my mom there for me through thick and thin (even if she was the one who caught me being naughty). Ever since my marriage, she has become my best friend. I've been able to run to her during these long months since February. She is able to understand some of the pain. She has carried me through this. She was the one by my side at the specialist's office when the dreaded words hit my ears. She has taken responsibilities my shattered heart couldn't handle such as grave stone shopping, casket hunting and many other sorrowing details. She's let me come over anytime when the quietness of my apartment is too loud and Satan is whispering in my ear. She has helped me understand pregnancy and been a huge advocate. There is no way I would've finished this semester without her pushing me on. She listened as I said I wouldn't be finishing my degree before I knew Amara's diagnosis as I knew she would've done for me. She was the first to feel baby girl squirming around. She has been the mama I've needed to keep me on the straight and narrow. 

This is my first Mothers day. It was tinged with sadness and joy. It's been close to excruciating to watch through the windows of social media at other mama's who have their babies with them, little baby bumps on the way or even knowing people are choosing their freedom over children. 

I would give anything to have this child in my arms for more than a few hours. I've done everything to have a child. My mind has always been open to the sweet little blessings. There was never a time where I told people I didn't want babies because I just wanted time with my husband. There was a moment that has been profound in my head. The day my child's casket arrived I learned the gender of a friends baby girl. I remember thinking, "How is it possible that there are two extremes...." 

The thought of the future of having another baby is terrifying to me. It's something I've begun to fear. Satan is using my biggest dream to try to crush me. Thoughts swirl in my head, "I can't bring myself to try to have another baby because what if...

                                                                                                                                                what if they have a terminal diagnosis?

                                                                           

                                                                             what if I miscarry?

                                                                                                                                                                                                

                                                                                                                                                                                    what if I can't get pregnant?

                                          

                                             what if they develop a condition after birth that requires 24/7 care?

Ever since December 5th, 2019, I've been in awe of what my body is doing. I have taken college anatomy and physiology. I know what a miracle it is to first, conceive a baby. Then to make it through 9 months of pregnancy and birth with no bumps is astounding. To have a healthy baby with no delays is truly a miracle. Don't take it for granted. 

I didn't think I would be the momma who buries her child. I didn't think I would be the one God told to wait for her lifelong dream. Nobody thinks it's going to be them..until they are in the dark valley walking through it. 

God is teaching what it means to truly let go of all earthly things and cling to him. 

Sometimes it hurts to have faith.