i thought i knew better

                               

this past year taught me that being grateful takes work. hours of tears, wrestling with thoughts. fears swarming with doubt. 

i thought i knew what faith was. i thought i knew what gratefulness was. i thought i knew more. i thought i knew better. 

i fell just like adam and eve. 

i thought i knew better what was for me than God.

 i thought i knew that keeping my child was better for me than losing her. i thought i knew better. 

i thought i knew what faith was. all those mini heart breaks during my childhood and adolescence. i thought i knew better. 

i thought i knew that our second child was here to stay. i was sure of it. signs everywhere promising hope. i thought i knew better. 

i thought i knew better than God. 

& He showed me over and over again this past year that i am a critically flawed and a depraved human. one who knows nothing of His almighty plans. He showed me that taking my life into my desperate, weak hands was foolish. 

i grabbed & i clawed at anything i could control. i felt surrounded and afflicted on every side.

  why isn't he crying over the children all the time? what did that mean? did he care? am i overreacting? am i weak or?..

if i didn't visit her grave was i a bad mom? wait..was i a mom? people say i am but being a mom is not burying your child? is it? if he won't cry then i'll cry for both of us. no..i'm weak. i won't cry at all. i don't care anymore...its not that i don't love her it's just pointless. 

little by little my hardened little beating heart was softened towards God again. He did give her life, so i sing praise. He did give her time, so i sing praise. He did protect her, so i sing praise. He did protect me, so i sing praise. He did hold me, so i sing praise. He did weep with me, so i sing praise. 

wow..He weeps with me. 

i heard His gentle whispers. His sweet embrace. 

people tell me i'm strong & no. not at all. i'm still shattered but i do not live without hope & strength coursing through me from my Savior. 

last year was hard.. miserable. rough. grief. 

but hard does not factor out being grateful. no not at all. to be thankful in the heat of the storm. now that is bravery. that is beauty blooming in the dust. 

Jesus carried me through the blackness surrounding me. He lifted my chin, wiping my tears, grace and love pouring into my eyes, saying, "oh dear one, I will never leave you nor forsake you." 

& in that moment i broke

Lord, come fill these cracks & make them whole

being grateful isn't the moments when your arms are full & laughter is ringing 

grief & gratefulness can hold hands

gratefulness is kneeling in the dirt, mourning your loss & praising the one who orchestrated it all 

i thought i knew better.. 

somehow i am empty & full