i rise . .

This is one of my little boys.. he hasn't had an easy past. i don't know what all he has gone through. i don’t need to know. But i see a longing in his eyes. He wants to be treasured. He wants security. He reaches up to me many times a day asking to be held. Often i will just hold him. Yes often i am doing something that needs my full attention and both hands. i know the feeling safety being held gives. He is three years old — big enough to walk but yet I will carry him, letting him hold onto me as he trusts me fully. Today he cuddled up on my lap and was talking to himself and then turned to me and called me Mommy.. 

I love my job of being his nanny but it's so hard. He reminds me of the 3 year old I have seen inside me still. The one scared of insecurity.  The one who went to anyone with open arms. The one who was broken and fragile and still is deep down. Every time i walk into his home i am flooded with memories of my youth — few but powerful. the confusion. fear yet absolute trust in anything seemingly safe. the thing that scares me is that i know he very well could remember me when he is my age because i remember much from when I was three. i want to establish beautiful memories. ones that he will love to think on. i pray for him often. i pray that he will see God in his life and never forget that he is truly loved by the one who knows his every fiber. i cry as i write this because growing up and i still dwell on the negative moments in life too much. they hurt yes. rejection, abuse, neglect and trauma will leave marks. but i want to grow beyond that now. i have recently have been admiring anything butterfly. my mother — the one who held me and told me i was safe — gave me that as a symbol of rebirth. It reminds me that i’m not who i was. i am made new. i buried my past in the chrysalis and came out a new creation. i struggle with feelings of rejection, loneliness, anxiety, distrust and anger often. but now instead of laying in my chrysalis in the dirt — I RISE. my savior breaths life into my weary wings. He whispers words of never ending peace and joy into my empty calloused heart. Because of Him, I’m able to give. I can find JOY in life and hardships. I choose to find joy now. I don’t wait for it to come to me. I make it.